Monday, September 17, 2007

The Fear.

I don't read religious books. I don't find that I much enjoy them. I've walked away from that part of my past maybe to one day return, maybe to not. Regardless, I read this today as it was posted within one of the infinite numbers of personal blogs that hang somewhere in the balance of real and virtual existence. I know these questions well and wrestle with them daily. There have been times recently when the paralyzing fear of not being enough [again] is immense. While I am deliriously glad to be offering my heart, I am unable to always avoid the sinister whisper of Doubt...sometimes, it is terrifying. The more I allow myself to give, the more my senses become acutely aware of the possibility of an end, not because I will choose that road, but because the others have. This fear is not a fair precedent, I know, but I worry nonetheless...

What if it ends? What if I enjoy you more than you enjoy me? What if your delight in me is bogus? Or worse, what if it is mere manipulation to get from me what you want? What if I love you and then you die, divorce me, or turn against me? The risk is more than I can bear, and so I refuse to open my heart to another person who will arouse my desire and then might use me or dash me to the ground.

Such ambivalence is the enemy of love, [because love] is the capacity to offer ourselves to others.
Exerpt from The Healing Path by Dan Allender, pg 29

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