Thursday, February 7, 2008

What a bloody waste of time.

I wonder how many people have been discouraged only to find profound success in the very thing that was doubted.

She asked what it was that I wanted to do, and by this point in the conversation I was screaming profanities in my head at her invariable distraction among a sea of other tasks.


Of course, if eye contact was asking too much, her taking the time to read a sample of my writing was absolutely out of the question. Write for the school paper, she suggested, or get an internship. Great advice except I'm one of those students who works to pay bills. You see, there isn't time for internships or extra curricular clutter. I just have to finish, already, and then decide what new frontier needs conquering. Here is where the prospect of grad school seems the next logical leap, but no, no, no, she thinks I've missed the boat and a master's degree isn't my life raft...

And as all hope obviously drained from my face, she told me to buck up, to send her my resume, to meet with the newspaper staff on campus.


With or without her blessings, I'll be steadfast in my future plans. I haven't been beaten down by one voice. I haven't quite loosened my grip on the dream. In grad school I imagine they teach you how to write, how to research, how to interview, and how to refine the glimmer of talent, if it's there. So she doesn't believe in me [she didn't even read a page]. She didn't bother to ask how I'd arrived at this place, in this seat in her office. She doesn't know me or my abilities from Adam's dog...

I was just. so. hopeful. Again that issue with expectations rears it's ugly head. I want too much from people, and when they can't deliver to my standards, I'm crushed. She jabbed and I stumbled from the impact, yet that was just round one. I guess I'm good for a few others before tapping out.


SatinBarbie said...

Oooooh, CONTROL! EXPECTATIONS! I feel ya. What ugly words. And only cause they hit so close to home. This quote has always struck a chord with me: "The root issue you are dealing with is fear. The physical symptom is control. And when you cannot control, you get angry because of UNMET EXPECTATIONS." Breathe in. Breathe out. Good luck to ya.

Gracie said...

You should have asked for for suggestions on how one is to attain either an internship or writing for the school paper when one has to have a job. Sounds like she blew some lovely smoke up your ass. Screw her.

Maggie said...

All of it's arbitrary, trust me. You're already starting to see, and it sucks, I know. Don't lose faith in yourself, ever. That's key.

La C. said...

Find another adviser as soon as possible. You can do this, you are paying to go to school. What on earth was her reason for your "missing the boat" for grad school? I have never met a professor that would argue against the benefits of it, however I was surrounded by supportive, helpful professors through school. I also have a degree in anthropology which is virtually worthless without a master's.

If you want to go to grad school GO! Try finding a paper that you can write for freelance. (Like a Memphis Flyer) We've got a lot here in Milwaukee. It will help you get your foot in the door, and won't involve a heavy time commitment since you need to work. Shit, get together with some graphics kids on campus and make/write your own campus paper, since (if your campus paper is anything like ours was) campus papers are a joke.

If you know what you want to do, do it without hesitation. The fact that this person knows nothing of you or your talents speaks to her (in)ability to direct your future in any manner. (and I am such a bitch, I would report her and my dissatisfaction with her to the dean.)

Good luck, hang in there, and take this Greenday quote to help you along. :)

"She's figured out all her doubts were someone else's point of view."
Once you get a handle on that, life becomes much easier.