Though the blog halted, life goes on. I'm waiting on my grades and anticipating A's. I surprised myself and a handful of professors. I made a new family of fellow english grad students and made a homey little nest out of our one, lone conference room. I know Louise Erdrich better than she may know herself. I know the Cult of True Womanhood to degrees of nauseam. I fell in love with the ideals of the Expressivist movement led by Elbow and Murray. I wrote my first short story and again surprised myself. I did a number of seemingly unconquerable tasks and crushed them beneath my tiny feet.
I keep thinking about that Eleanor Roosevelt quote: "You must do the thing you think you cannot do." I believe that idea alone sums up the year. I finally graduated college. I survived months and months of army induced separation and survived. I somehow defied all notions of feasibility by getting into this masters program on such short notice, and beyond that, I have excelled. Those are the hills that I've climbed, leaving the horizon speckled with far-off flags bearing my crest -- pink and flowery, for sure. The mountains, however, await, standing rugged, impossibly tall and taunting.
Next year is coming all too strong and quickly, like a train whose force makes the earth tremble long before arriving. This is my life now. There is no turning back. It's ironic how badly I want it and also how fiercely I dread it. I have to keep looking back on the achievements, on the things I never thought I could actually pull off until I landed on the other side of Trying and the ride was over and I was still intact. Love and wanting are tangled in some powerful magic, and perhaps I am a little stronger than I thought. But I won't admit it often, for it isn't often that I feel it might be true.