Tuesday, March 3, 2009

3 of 31: giving (signs of hope)

I'm feeling much better today, however the day is still young.  We have not yet encroached upon the frail hours.  The good news, besides my return to a composed human being, is that the sun is out.  The running bad news is that it's still Winter - 29 degrees in Middle Tennessee in March (at noon, no less) is UN-accept-able.  The other good news is that following the weird conversation I had with The SS yesterday morning, I got an email from him yesterday afternoon.  Not only is it a lavish occasion to hear from him twice in one day, but I quite nearly jumped on top of the table to dance in celebration of an induced response.  In the same day I had sent an email and received a reply.  I felt, if only temporarily, like a reciprocal participant in our relationship, I mean, beyond care packages and general supportiveness.

I love you no matter how you deal with anything.

He reminds me that it isn't only about being there for him, even though I struggle to be mindful of that truth.  I find that it's easy to dismiss the honesty I would otherwise rely on if he weren't where he is, doing what he's doing.  There's not a thing in the world that would keep me from crying if we were face to face and I was overtaken by the urge.  I would tell him if and when something was bothering me (after some coaxing). 

This is proving to be one of the bigger challenges of this journey - whether or not to put normal behavior on the back burner while he's away.  There are strong arguments for both, and being a huge advocate for authenticity, I am constantly in the middle of a battle between mind and heart.  

Between that and my blatant need for control, I have my work cut out for the duration of this deployment.  At least today it feels do-able.  I looked at the calendar, broke the days down to the percentage accomplished and the percentage remaining and I didn't crumble.  That's surely a sign of a rebound in progress.

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