Afloat in a Lonely Sound

Last night, I think it was, he spoke it into being. From his mouth the numbered days floated and mounded into actuality. We are already on the next countdown, already going over the packing list.

The time has flown by since his plane touched down in closure of a deployment and I'm sure that it will only speed up as the next departure date gets closer. The really horrible part of this, beyond separation and limited communication, is that these are the days that have our future hinged on them. Maybe I'm the only one of us who recognizes that or who shudders at the magnitude of what may come next. In something close to two months we will have the answers that once excited me and are now only terrifying. Even after my attempts to see both possibilities of our futures colliding and tearing apart, after trying to pry myself away from the marriage track, I am a wreck inside. Everything separate from his career is a variable, and even that is in its own right up in the air. By Christmas we will be some different form of us either more or less a duet.

I feel like every second holds me right on the edge of losing my composure. I feel a lot like I cannot breathe. In my world of logic, it would make sense to have a plan A & B, but in his that trumps mine, we are waiting to make rash decisions off the cuff, a perfect time for sabotage. I only hope that isn't what it comes to. I only hope we find the perfect fit for all of us and all of everything, and that all of the paralyzing fears we hold are somehow pacified.