Sunday, March 30, 2008

The universe may not always play fair...

but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humor...one of my favorite quotes from SATC.

It's no secret that I've been [creating for myself or simply] dueling an antagonist. The army is at times, an all-too-present obstacle with which I try to reckon. I want to become adjusted. I want to shrug my shoulders when minor details are suddenly altered. I want to be as strong as steel. When I'm not, when I do in fact prefer the idea of throwing myself in the floor to kick and scream in a rendition of some shakedown circa 1986, when I am tempted to stop trying, that's when I feel Shame ooze in around me, dense and foul. His accomplice, the voice of Failure, is the neighbor's yippy dog that I'd really like to poison for the mere sake of serenity. This garrulous duet has made a maddening noise in my thoughts, and so to you and my Staff Sergeant, I apologize for the gloomy tone.

Last night, my inner toddler could no longer be pacified. Our weekend was otherwise picture perfect, and then something triggered by something else unrelated, released the tantrum thrower's energy. There was thankfully a lack of flailing limbs and beastly cries, but in their place stood the silent letting of tears and his total confusion as to their origin. I tried to talk but feeling defeated and confused myself, I instead slipped into the shower to rinse away my inner turmoil.

The longer I lathered, the more flustered I became - I can't do this. I can't do this. I don't have what it takes. I turned off the water with a fluid rotation and pushed back the vinyl curtain. I reached for my towel and entered his room, now darker with unadjusted eyes. Blindly I felt for his chest of drawers and once my searching hands had found it, counted descending handles. Drawing open number three and groping the folded cotton t-shirts, I unearthed one softer than the others. I dragged it from beneath the stack, pulled it over my head and quietly padded back to the bathroom to finish undoing myself. Upon closing the door and flipping on the light, I turned to face my reflection in the foggy mirror. There across my chest was unquestionable clarity. In strong, black letters, "ARMY" clung to the worn gray threads.

Some true thing led me this far into his life, into his bathroom, in between the fabric of an old PT uniform. I could hear the echo of my Mother's voice bounce between the tiles, her warning of life's disregard for fairness, the status quo. And as though scripted by a rambling plot's need for irony, I realized that it wasn't a matter of can or cannot but rather that I am navigating this trying road. If learning something complex were easy, we'd surely all be doing the impossible.

Before closing my eyes he managed a smile out of me, then whispered words so modest that I should have already been privy to their brilliance.

You are not the first to be frustrated and I don't want you to change.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

ORIGIN OF UNIVERSE- A NEW PRINCIPLE
Propounded by Dr. Hari Om, Agronomist




According to this principle, which is called 'Principle of Cipher Zone', the universe was originated in a series of four steps, i.e., four sub-principles are involved in this process. These sub-principles explain the origin of universe, its dissolution, basis of its expansion and status of energy in a star.

The Principle of Cipher Zone propounds that the theory of 'Big Bang' is not responsible for the origin of universe, but this process advanced in a series of steps, which did not involve any vast explosion of the energy like Big Bang. It started as the process of formation of a star initiates. Today, the completion of this process takes lesser ?time' as it was taken for the formation of first star, because in the present universe, the material required for the formation of a star becomes readily available, but initially it was not so and this process proceeded very slowly. When the energy of this first star was burnt, it converted into a black hole; but before this conversion, the process of the formation of other stars and planets was initiated and they started revolving around this initially appeared central star. In this way along with the central black hole (converted from the first star) the surrounding stars also formed their own families and kept on revolving around the central black hole. Slowly and slowly, the first Milky Way came into existence. The black hole, which was initially formed, now occupied the central space of the first Milky Way thus formed and simultaneously this central black hole of the central Milky Way went on increasing its size by feeding the surrounding old stars. This way, other Milky Ways also came into existence around the central Milky Way and started revolving around it. All these later formed milky ways also had their own central black holes and found their base of stability from the initially formed central black hole and the central Milky Way like a string tied to the neck of the surrounding Milky Ways with the central one. When all the surrounding black holes merged into the initially formed gigantic black hole, the whole of the universe realized dissolution i.e. Maha Pralya.

Now after dissolution, there remained only one universal black hole in which the energy of the whole universe turned into waves of almost compatible character with a stable centre of least moving energy having very dense core at the centre. Slowly and slowly the fast moving energy present at the periphery of this black hole went sluggish and slowed down which got scattered with the passage of time. The movement of the energy at the periphery gets faster and faster upto when the outside material in the form of stars, planets, or Milky Ways remains available for feeding, but it starts slowing down once the whole material is immersed in the central universal black hole. In this way, the whole black hole scattered with the passage of time. After that, the process the creation again started. These two processes of creation and dissolution proceed simultaneously through the creation of new stars and galaxies at the outer periphery and simultaneous dissolution of stars and surrounding galaxies into the central black hole of the central galaxy.

The expansion of universe is also not due to Big Bang, but it is attributed to the size of the continuously increasing black hole at the centre of the Milky Ways. As the size of the central black hole increases, the expansion as well as the speed of the Milky Ways running away from the centre will go on increasing, but a time will come when the outer expansion will be ceased due to extraneous increase in the size of black hole or we can say that increasing density of the central black hole will not allow the further expansion of the galaxy. The incoming energy of the system will dominate over the outgoing energy. With this advancement in the increase of the black hole size, the whole universe will fall and rest in the centre. Every existence or system has a zone of neutral energy at its centre and in its surrounding where its energy ends and the periphery of another system starts. When these two neutral energy zones are merged into one, then the system or existence ceases to work and collapses or we can say that the differential strata of energy of that system are converted into more compatible and unified form of energy or we can say that it is the expansion of the central zone of neutral energy which compels that system to collapse. During the process of expansion, the central zone or black holes of different galaxies goes on increasing. This increase in the area and density of black holes in the middle of the galaxies allow the expansion of the galaxies. The ratio of increase in the area or volume of the black holes in relation to the expansion of outgoing and expanding energy can be assessed with the increase in the ratio of expansion of the nucleus of an atom and the overall expansion of that atom in the form of its mass and energy.

The working of the system depends on the presence of energy at different levels and the inter- and intra-facial tension in those energy fields. When these fields are merged together, the system collapses or dissolved. In this way, the different systems or existences either small or large are converted into energy waves and this way the process of dissolution proceeds until a sole, gigantic and universal zone of neutral energy or Cipher Zone is formed, which brings the final dissolution.

This present theory also refutes the finding that a star has the maximum temperature at its core. This theory propounds that a star has highly peaceful zone at its centre; it is not explosive. Every star or system has two types of energy; incoming and outgoing, working entirely at different level and in different direction. The larger is the system or existence, the greater it will have the zone of neutral energy at its centre i.e. a peaceful zone providing stable base to the whole system. The greater is the expansion of the zone of peace and stability at the centre, the more explosive or vibrating will be the surface energy either it is a star like Sun or vast ocean or galaxy. This is true only when the star or the system is composed of similar type of energy at its centre. If the system, like earth, has different type of energy particles at different levels, then the energy will be explosive at its core because of the admixture of different form of energy in the central zone. This is due to the interfacial stress among different types of energy resting at the same level.

The central zone is nothing but the zone of neutrality, the zone of satisfied energy either it is at the level of smallest particle existing as an atom or largest systems like sea, star or galaxy. The unsatisfied or vibrating or tension creating charge at the surface is the result of the degree of vastness of the internal satisfied power of the system; if measured at the surface of the sea, there is a possibility of the prediction of future rains and devastating thunderstorms or catastrophic Tsunami outbursts. This charge may have its impact on the El-NiƱo effect and difference of temperature in seawater. If it is measured inside the earth, there can be a possibility of the prediction of earthquakes.
Radhasoami

Pare said...

SP, in love you will never be steel. You can, however, learn to bend without breaking.

The Army will not break you, girl. Keep faith. You'll look back on this someday from the other side; I know this.

Here if you need.

Somebody's Princess said...

I don't even known what to do with this anonymous comment...my reference to The Universe was made in a more spiritual, all encompassing manner.

Perhaps there is metaphor within this four step, scientific theory, but I honestly just don't speak that language. So, hmm, thank you for your insight but if we could keep comments limited to a few sentences, that'd probably be good.

Thx, Management.

tmamone said...

More than likely it's probably just some spambot. That's where those word verifying things come in handy.

tmamone said...

BTW, I'm now hooked on Ben Taylor's "Surround me." He's definitely got his parents' musical genes!

maggie, dammit said...

I think anonymous needs his own blog.