Friday, March 28, 2008

[an inner tantrum ensues]

To peel back the layers here would cause overexposure. To scratch the thoughts on paper would create too much tangibility, and yet to cage them makes my spirit fitful. I know not what to do with myself, not how to [re]act with any ounce agility.

How is this done? How is it fucking done!?

I wonder if I wiggle juuuust a little more to one side...maybe if I suck in what extra I can...if I contort myself in some oddly arranged shape, can I then find a way to fit the puzzle's space? There are so many things that I am not, so many shortcomings, so many failures in this adjustment. And guilt. There is a substantial amount of guilt and self-depreciation.

I never used to dream of emptiness and chaos.

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