20 of 31: giving (a fresh perspective)

Leading up to this moment I have allowed a substantial amount of self-pity and self-loathing to occur, not to say that tomorrow I won't wake up feeling those things all over again in usual fashion. But at least in this moment I feel inspired.

I met a friend for sushi tonight, which was a grand alternative to my default evening plans of sitting slumped-over in front of the television, lusting after all the stress-eating I'd like to be doing instead of counting calories and trying to be healthy. I limited myself to a single order of Rainbow Roll and left feeling quite full. The mishap that followed with Ben & Jerry's chocolate-brownie-heaven-in-a-fro-yo-carton, albeit light, was not the best part of my day, nor was it the worst, but it guilted me into actually opening the cardio yoga DVD and popping it into the player. I unrolled my new cornflower blue Target-clearance mat, pushed away the coffee table from my living room's center and pressed play. It was amazing. The pace was perfect, the music was fantastic, the instructor was completely not annoying and I didn't get bored with the repetitions. She continuously promoted the reminder that each move (in this particular series) should be led by the heart with gratitude and appreciation, and while maybe that sounds cheesy and monotonous, it somehow hit home.

I forget how much gratitude I owe to my fortune, my health, to the cycle of Karma, the universe, etc. And the dark shadows of loneliness have made the clarity to see that much more muddled. It isn't just deployment, although it would be easy to point to it. It's me and learning to live on my own, to overcome seasons of less-confidence, of cooking for one, of no-motivation. By the end of the DVD I felt more aware of hope than I have in several weeks, so I drew a bath with lavendar bubbles, lit a candle, made a cup of "tension tamer" tea, turned iTunes radio to my favorite International station, grabbed a few health magazines and soaked for an hour. It was a glorious extension of what my "mother-in-law" called a "yoga induced zen." Now, I'm off to thumb through Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day for a good low-fat whole wheat sandwich loaf - in bed. There is nothing more therapeutic than putting my mind on autopilot in the kitchen [tomorrow].

As for tonight, with tensions momentarily tamed, I'm going to bed.