I'm not sure to what I should attribute this existential panic. Maybe realizing that he will always leave as long as he does this. Or perhaps it came when I concluded that the emails I send him don't really get checked, and I can't call and that makes me feel completely...powerless. It could be a number of other things, really, but those are the likely culprits this time around*.
Everything here is a little off balance. I like to think that I've mastered this, that I am exempt from any more rough days and that the short calls I do get are perfectly enough. When I overlook the telling symptoms that a hard night is coming, I not only feel the initial want for him, but am then also angered for being caught off guard. This is another one of those nights. I can be found planted on my sofa in sweats, dwelling on the stories he doesn't get to hear. Those that he does are abridged or outlined with lost punch lines and a diminishing presence of laughter. They feel boiled down to hurried transactions, and knowing that he doesn't read the heartfelt emails only adds to my overall sense of impotence. I am pretty much an ineffective little thread in this great, grand scheme and I hate that. He can call me, but I cannot reach him even through methods that should. I am cookies and quickly penned notes with smiley faces, minor and inessential.
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*this panic surrounding things I cannot control is my usual disposition
1 comment:
Before I get into things....I tagged you in my blog.
These feelings are really hard at first. I know exactly what you're talking about. I experience them even today and it is very frustrating, but I've learned to turn down the volume of those emotions. They come out at the most inconvenient moments at times.
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